Ted, Ted, Ted

Cathy writes this in response to the exchange (see 7/6 and 7/11 below) about “disobedience.” Reprinted with permission.”Gail’s experience with Lee is instructive, I think, on how our intentions have unintended consequences. A five-year-old lives in a concrete reality and can only apply these ideas in their most literal sense in every situation. All the experts point out how children at this stage are very literal-minded and wedded to concrete rules, not to mention still firmly egocentric. So maybe Laura is taking this idea of disobedience and applying it to her egocentric view of the world. Though Laura is extremely bright she is not yet developmentally ready to make the subtle distinctions between disobedience to injustice in society and disobedience to what she perceives as a personal injustice (e.g., it’s unfair for my friend not to do as I say and thus I must rise up against this injustice). My own theory of parenting: you are her parents, her constant, a source of reciprocal love to her, and as such she needs you to be her buck-stops-here authority figures because it’s an awesome responsibility for her to take on the task of making decisions about what is right and wrong at this developmental stage. How can she know if you don’t tell her explicitly? Celebrating disobedience disregards the subtleties of what that means for a five year old. Think of yourself as a “coach” rather than the dreaded “authority figure” and be prepared to say NO in no uncertain terms when necessary. I think we will disagree on when it’s necessary. Kids not only need the buck-stops-here authority but actually want it. It’s too confusing and scary to have to worry about setting their own boundaries too.”